Sunday, April 17

forced to rely

I don't know about you, but this looks like a picture of two carefree girls who just moved to Seattle and lead ravishingly exciting lives, running around in the rain in shorts and Hunters, not quite being able to leave behind their truly California ways. 

Wrong

I don't really feel like much of my life is vibrantly thrilling or "together," so to speak. In fact, I'd give it about a 19%... I feel like 19% of my life is "within my control" right now. And maybe we're not the ones who are supposed to be in control at all (cough cough, God), but it's mighty fine to at least feel some stability once in a while.

Before I quit my job of three years in Santa Barbara to move to Seattle on a whim, my mantra I kept repeating was, "I want to put myself in a position where I'm forced to rely on God." At the time, I thought that meant money and practical needs, like food, clothes, and the little costly things that life throws at you when you least expect them. I thought by having no job, I'd get to a place where I was broke and on my knees every morning literally praying for my next meal. And for some reason, a year ago this appealed to me...
I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but I knew that such reliance on God for physical, everyday needs would foster a sense of intimacy that I couldn't recreate any other way.

Fast forward to...now, and I'm definitely feeling that sense of being forced to rely on God, but it's not in the same way I had predicted. Crazy of God to surprise us. I know, right? 
Instead of physical needs, I'm more-so finding myself compelled to cry out to him to sustain me in my over-committed-ness, my quick ability to spread myself too thin, my working 50 hours a week while getting paid for more like 20, and then there's the whole lack of genuine sleep issue. Lately I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, to borrow an overused analogy. Except the chicken is covered in coffee grinds and just started using the public bus system too.
Bottom line: I need to be reminded and shown how to rest. In him. And him alone. And this, my dear friends, is where our good Lord is meeting me...and showing me how to rely on him. He wants to be our everything. He needs to be our everything.

5 comments:

wildchild said...

it's so easy to say "this is how god will work in my life" when we see a future situation in our minds, but then god obviously doesn't want to be held in that box. for me, it's always when i just let him do his thing that he really takes care of me.
i don't know if this is what you're looking for, but last year when i had a lot of issues going on with my girl friends and stuff with b, i relied on this verse somewhere in the 120's or 130's of psalms: "o israel, put your hope in god alone. for with him is unfailing love". god's the only one that can sustain us in everything we need. he's the one with unfailing love.

Allie said...

Awww babe. Virtually giving you a hug :)

emme said...

good post. except that photo is soup hids.

Maggy said...

i'm likin this. I felt (feel) the same way about Colorado...my hubs and I are going to Seattle this week for a get-away. Be proud of yourself, you're not taking the easy road.

Carey said...

love it. thank you.

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