I hold up my life to you now

Let's play Jeopardy.
Answer: "lacking direction," "unsettled," "What the $!%^#& am I doing with my life?!" "waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh," "I don't know!" "capricious*" "in shambles"


Question: words and phrases that describe where I'm at right now


Let me frame it another way:
I found my Bible today. It was in a box in my parents' kitchen next to a Russian cookbook, underneath measuring cups and coffee mugs from my old apartment. It has been there for two months. 
Sometimes true life anecdotes make chilling metaphors.


Apparently there is a fine line between others' expectations placed on my life...and my own. Lately, I've been tripping over that fine line...and I have lots of free time in which to do it. I'm wholeheartedly trying to be excited and thankful for having a wealth of potential options right now, rather than allowing it to become a burden or cause more tension. I should add that as I wrote this post, a friend emailed to confirm that I was meeting her for lunch at the Cancer Center to sit with her during her second round of chemo. Perspective, much?


I almost opted for Sara Bareilles lyrics at the end here, but I had to redeem my emo self somehow.


From Guerrillas of Grace:
"Patient God,
this day teeters on the edge of waiting
     and things seem to slip away from me,
          as though everything was only memory
               and memory is capricious*.
Help me not to let my life slip away from me.
O God, I hold up my life to you now,
     as much as I can,
          as high as I can,
               in this mysterious reach called prayer.
Come close, lest I wobble and fall short.
It is not days or years I seek from you,
     not infinity and enormity,
          but small things and moments and awareness,
              awareness that you are in what I am
                   and in what I have been indifferent to.


It is not new time,
     but new eyes, 
          new heart I seek,
               and you."


*capricious - given to sudden and unaccountable changes of mood or behavior. ha. not me. not never.


On a lighter note, 39 days 'til Christmas! I'm going to go wash my hair for the first time in four days. Should help the mood a little...
Love love...