Friday, September 10

{ new beginnings }

This summer has been a whirlwind of facing fears. A friend of mine phrased it well: "It's like God lined up every last thing I was still afraid of in this world and said, 'Okay, now we're going to walk you straight through all of them...together.'" 
I've cried a lot, felt many pangs of emptiness, and experienced some periods of fairly intense disillusionment. Of course there have been many surges of anticipation and delight too, as I dream about what's next...

But this past week especially, I've been thirsty for hope. I tend to focus on the endings more than the beginnings...

I bought a prayer book today (my first one, I think) after reading an excerpt on my friend Justine's blog. It's called Guerillas of Grace by Ted Loder. This prayer in particular forcefully spoke to me in a way that was both overwhelming and full of grace. 
I hope its raw honesty can help make sense of pieces of your life too...

Help Me To Believe in Beginnings
God of history and of my heart, so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days: I’ve known death and birth; I’ve been brave and scared; I’ve hurt, I’ve helped; I’ve been honest, I’ve lied; I’ve destroyed, I’ve created; I’ve been with people, I’ve been lonely; I’ve been loyal, I’ve betrayed; I’ve decided, I’ve waffled; I’ve laughed and I’ve cried. You know my frail heart and my frayed history – and now another day begins.
O God, help me to believe in beginnings and in my beginning again, no matter how often I’ve failed before.
Help me to make beginnings: to begin going out of my weary mind into fresh dreams, daring to make my own bold tracks in the land of now; to begin forgiving that I may experience mercy; to begin questioning the unquestionable that I may know truth; to begin disciplining that I may create beauty; to begin sacrificing that I may make peace; to begin loving that I may realize joy.
Help me to be a beginning to others, to be a singer to the songless, a storyteller to the aimless, a befriender of the friendless; to become a beginning of hope for the despairing, of assurance for the doubting, of reconciliation for the divided; to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed, of comfort for the sorrowing, of friendship for the forgotten; to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn, of sweetness for the soured, of gentleness for the angry, of wholeness for the broken, of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth.
Help me to believe in beginnings, to make a beginning, to be a beginning, so that I may not just grow old, but grow new each day of this wild, amazing life you call me to live with the passion of Jesus Christ.
– from Ted Loder’s book, Guerillas of Grace.


Justine said...

I am so GLAD this spoke to you. Keep postin' and updatin'. Love it.

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