the triple wedding

Welcome to my 200th post...it's been a while since I've written something overtly personal. I've always been hesitant to blog about anything pertaining to my dating life because it's a fairly capricious subject, and lately there's been nothing lengthy enough (or at least that's worth sharing). At 25, I've hit the place where at least half my best friends are married and buying houses (or a dog), and instead of settling down, I quit my job and moved to a different state. My emotions on the subject of singleness bounce back and forth between a bad Kelly Clarkson song and an equally bad Queen song.


All joking aside, I have felt a tad discontented lately. There are far too many wedding blogs in my Google reader feed (my own fault, I know), so I'm constantly bombarded by happy shots of couples blissfully in love on arguably the best day of their lives. This always leaves me wondering the following: If they can make love look so easy, why is it so hard for me to find? 


Last week I was setting up a new password online for something, and I had to choose two security questions. All but one of them pertained to married life:
What is your spouse's middle name?
Where did you spend your honeymoon?
What is the name of your best man/maid of honor at your wedding?
Where did you meet your spouse? 
Seriously. You tell me. I'd love to know.


It's funny how being 25 and single makes some people think they have the right to ask you super fun questions like:
Why aren't you dating someone?
Do you ever think you're being too picky?
Don't you feel weird now that all your friends are getting married and you're not even dating anyone?

I've actually been asked that last one several times, and to answer it, friendships do change once marriage enters the picture, but I LOVE MY MARRIED FRIENDS! They all have solid relationships worth modeling after. And through getting to know their husbands, I've been blessed by gaining fantastic examples of what being a husband and partner should look like. So shout-out to all my blogging married girlfriends...and the husbands who adore them (here, here, here, here, and here). You guys have all taught me quite a lot.


So where am I going with this? 
The day before Valentine’s Day I had this dream: 
It was my wedding day…but this wedding was actually a triple wedding with my friend Janelle (who’s already married in real life) and some high school girl I didn’t know. We tripled up because we all wanted to save money on the same venue. The entirety of the dream was spent rushing around the day-of with our wedding planner—in sheer panic. I had bumped up my wedding date, so I was essentially getting married after being engaged for one month, and I hadn’t even seen the invitations that the planner had sent out. The dream ended with me realizing that Angela, one of my best friends, didn’t even know that I was getting married. I was frantically trying to dial her phone number to tell her to come last minute, but I couldn’t even type in the numbers correctly. To top it off, I didn’t even know who the groom was. 


For the record, I’ve only had one other dream about my wedding, but it also consisted of similar panic and chaos (bridesmaids not showing up, DJ botching the music, groom being my high school prom date, etc...). I don't always pick apart my dreams, but I do enjoy a good metaphor. I think it's apparent here that I'm trying to rush things, and I obviously have a hard time with patience. But in the case of love, over-eagerness only leads to disaster. Triple wedding? Reel it in, Maddie.


I really wish I could tell you that I did something dazzling on Valentine’s Day to make up for the unsettling dream the night before, but I’ve tried to dedicate this blog to honesty, so…
In reality I babysat for two hours, then watched the worst movie ever with my roommate, whilst drinking wine and painting my nails black (the emo color was a complete coincidence). 
At 25, I've made it through a lot of first dates, a few second ones, a couple healthy and fun dating relationships (to whom I owe a big thank you), and one longer-term one that I'm not so thankful for and fills me with regret. I never want my attitude about relationships to become tired and jaded, so I was extremely thankful for a sermon I heard at church a few weeks ago. 

Pastor Dahlstrom spoke about Hannah's Prayer in 1 Samuel. The sermon started off focusing on infertility, so I inadvertently began to tune out. But he ended up guiding the story in a way that applied to all people. He talked about fruitfulness and asked pointblank what areas of fruitfulness we thought we were missing out on. Do we have wants and desires that seem illusive right now? Everyone does.

We have all been given good things, and the Lord has provided fruit in each and every one of his children's lives. But it's always up to us whether or not we want to fully step into that fruitfulness and own it. If we're constantly living in expectation of something, we are missing out on the gifts we are currently being handed. And in my case, those gifts are not taking the form of a good-looking guy with his shit together right now.

This is the part where I wanted to stand up and exclaim, "Guilty!" Seasons in life are constantly changing, and I'm usually good about rolling with the punches, but lately it's as if I've been stuck in autumn, demanding that it be spring already. I'm surrounded by opportunity, fantastic friendships, free time, education, the potential of a great church body, a brand new city...and yet I'm wasting time pining after something that's not ripe or ready yet. Meanwhile all the other good suffers due to my distracted heart and ungrateful spirit.

“When hope is not pinned wriggling onto a shiny image or expectation, it sometimes floats forth and opens.”—Anne Lamott

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.