Monday, July 19

{ fearless }

It's so much more than just a Taylor Swift album.

I'm excited to finally start getting this out to the blog world. It has not been one of those topics that I could just sit down and bust out in five minutes. I’m only human. Even now, it may come in a few parts...  

Once upon a time (first week of June)…I had a fairly decent emotional/spiritual breakdown in my car on my way home from the gym. Running is supposed to give you endorphins, which are supposed to make you happy. But in my case, they just made my brain open up and release all of the tension I'd been cramming into it for some time now. 

It was two days after I had returned from being in one of my best friend's weddings on the East coast. The tearful meltdown was brought on by my thinking about someone I'd met [albeit briefly] at the wedding, but I assure you that it had little to do with him in the end.

My friend had talked him up to me a bit before the wedding, but I did most of the other words, I Googled his name and 26,800 pages came up. [To put this in perspective, I Googled my name and 338 pages came up.] In reality, I only talked to him for a few minutes and exchanged messages on Facebook twice. However, based on my in depth Internet research, I pretty much thought I was destined by God to marry him. It was that bad. [Side note: As of a couple weeks ago, Facebook says he is dating someone else. The news shook me up a bit…but I’ve since recovered.]

Back to the emo breakdown.

My initial internal response to Mr. (Seemingly) Perfect was, “But why would a guy like him…ever like me?” My mom very lovingly pointed out that this thought process was not only unhealthy and sad, but straight up false.

I quickly realized a few things:
a) Just because someone looks perfect on Google and CBS Sports, does not mean they are without sin.
b) I am utterly insecure and too often become overwhelmed with feelings of unworthiness and a sense of undeserving when it comes to many things—good things. I have a hard time believing that God really and truly does have something amazing for me 'out there'—whether that be a phenomenal husband, a fantastic job, or just a good and simple life full of His blessings. 

I forget how much bullshit the devil sells us that we willingly eat up. My prayer lately has been specifically that the Holy Spirit would fill my heart and mind up so much that there wouldn't be room for the devil to get even an inch, because once he creeps in—even a little bit—the &$*#@!^ totally screws with my mind! And then I'm left where I was after the wedding...dreaming about the perfect guy (who I now realize has faults), and thinking, "Why would he want me?" Uh-uh. No more.

On the plane ride home from the wedding I had started reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. It's about the Holy Spirit and how He is our Counselor who continually reminds us and tells us who we are in Christ. Being human, I forget that often and usually find it easier to believe the dumb lies the devil feeds me. These include, but are not limited to: “You're not good enough,” “God is going to screw you over in the end,” “Don’t expect much or you’ll just be disappointed,” and my least favorite, "Be afraid..."

My dear friend Nicole often asks me what I'm most afraid of and what I would do if I suddenly wasn't afraid of failing. My response is typically, "Nothing, I'm fine right where I am...totally content." But then she's off traveling the world, living on a prayer—her face shining Jesus everywhere she goes. She knows she's God's daughter. She is His, and He is hers. And God has used her in innumerable, crazy-beautiful ways. I believe it's because she expects him to...and then she actually lets him. 

Enter fear, stage right.
I have a hard time hoping and praying toward “big” and amazing things in my life because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid God is going to let me down. It’s like subconsciously thinking, “Well, if I don't ask him to do crazy and amazing things in my life, I can't be let down when he doesn't pull through…’

So I give God an out.

I play it safe.

But I'm realizing more and more that the safe life equals the good life.

More soon...


Ahn said...

love your honesty and that we got a chance to talk about this in person. you have become such a genuine friend to me and i admire your desire to let the holy spirit move in you. love you!

Justine said...

I could not agree more with what Ahn said. This is so vulnerable, but so real and good. Thank you for your thoughts Maddie dearest.

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