{ on living alone... }

I can't do it. 
I came to this oh-so-wise conclusion Friday night at about 8pm. My roommate, Michelle, had left for New York that morning at 8am. It only took 12 hours for me to get panicky...but now I'm this much more self-aware. :)  
I can't live alone. And I have my reasons, proofs, arguments, what have you...


1. I develop hermit-like tendencies.

I'm 24, single, and it's practically summer in Santa Barbara now. It was Friday night...and what was I doing? Sitting in my kitchen—alone—watching episodes of LOST online, wearing just a yoga bra and sweatpants, whilst painting my nails this unfortunate color, and eating an unholy amount of these homemade blueberry crumb bars. Egad...it's painful to even type it. I have friends...really, I do. Some of you even called and sent me texts! But the second I'm perpetually home alone, I go into hermit mode and suddenly can't find the will to leave my house (let alone do something productive with my time in my house, apparently). 


I pulled myself together around 10pm and thought I'd make it look like I was actually having a preconceived 'personal night in'—to relax on my own. Hello, Riesling. Well, that plan backfired when I realized that all I was really doing was drinking alone. Which did little good for my self esteem. Mom...YOU WERE RIGHT! Just kidding...I only had half a glass.   

2. I make un-wise choices. 
Oh, you mean besides the nail color?
Well for starters, I forget what bedtime means. It's like I need a roommate to subconsciously remind me that sleep and rest don't just happen. They must be sought out...like you have to get into a bed and close your eyes. I'm realizing that on a normal basis, I see Michelle brushing her teeth and that at least clues me in to the idea that, Hey, going to bed could be fun in the next couple of hours. I learn by example.
I also learned that I do better (in life in general) if I'm not left unsupervised. Having a roommate, living partner, housemate, etc. is like having 'constant accountability,' whether you want it or not. And apparently, I need that 24/7, so that when my ex-boyfriend from high school texts me out of the blue, I can yell, "Micheellllllle...?!?!?" And be confident that she'll respond with a firm, "Don't."


3. I drive myself insane.
I'm not going to go into this one too much, or you will actually begin to think that I'm a little off. But I talk to myself—a ton. All out of craving that connection with another human being. There are a group of Korean guys that live in the apartment above ours who hang out on the sidewalk in front of our building to smoke cigarettes. I see them out our kitchen window all the time. I'd had it with my own voice and was about ready to take up smoking...just for some company. But then I realized how bad of a decision THAT would have been. I mean, I don't think they even speak English...


Ergo, my conclusion: I can't live alone. I mean, I suppose I could...but it sure wouldn't be pretty (or emotionally healthy). Michelle doesn't come home until Thursday night. Hang out with me?